I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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