After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
