maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
don't judge my taste in strippers
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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