Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
