i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
