Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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