I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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