i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
