It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
