her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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