just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
