you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
