I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
