he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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