I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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