I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
