worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
