Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm both gender and math confused
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
