My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
