Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
