we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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