R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
