mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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