babies were throwing up all over the place
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
