Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
