I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
