she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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