i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
