She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
