It's like God shit irony all over that family
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
