Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
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