Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
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God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
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