When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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