I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You're a waste of cheezeits
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
