Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My hand turned me down
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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