If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.