im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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