I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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