o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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