I looked at my own cervix.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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