i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
