I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
