I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
