Kareoke will never be a sober sport
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
