I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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