Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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