How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
