I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I need water and some morals
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
