im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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