It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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