pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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