Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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