I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize