About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
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We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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