they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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