You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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